There was a point in my life, a tipping point, when the complexity and insanity overwhelmed the simple and peaceful. It’s hard to point to a single day or moment in time when that happened. I think it probably happens to everyone - some people are just stronger than others and they somehow make it through. Others, like me, don’t make it and they step into the twilight zone where nothing makes sense. Like Pink, I can see their lips move but I can’t hear what they’re saying.
In the final analysis, I was too weak to endure and have selected myself out of the race. The torment that has no doubt plagued my entire paternal bloodline is finally at an end. It is truly a marvel that some random mutation could cause a mismatched base pair on a strand of DNA and therefore cause my brain to hit the accelerator just as I see the wall approaching. That said, biology is not destiny. I chose this path and I alone am responsible. There is nothing anyone could have done or said to make me change my mind.
To my friends and family, thank you. I love you. Any unanswered questions you may have can be found on my website. I started nautis 2 years ago to begin this process of documenting my decline. I have thanked the most important people there and have documented my dreams and adventures. It is a Matthew time capsule and though it’s called “Maybe Matthew” is really is Matthew. It’s all honest and from the heart. I promise any question you could possibly have, can be found here.
Shakespeare called death “the undiscovered country.” I doubt that there are bright lights or tunnels. It must be more like when we fall asleep at night and we finally just lose consciousness … and dream. I wonder what I will dream about?
February 22nd, 2006 at 9:18 pm
Matthew, Matthew, Matthew!!Matthew, Matthew, Matthew!! We (the entire family) are in shock and full of grief over what has happened. We love you so much! You are such an intelligent, good looking, charming young man, with so much life before you. You are surrounded by prayers. Your Papaw would be grieving over what’s happened, like we are. We’re praying for your full and complete recovery–physically, emotionally, mentally and spiritually. I love you very much, Matthew Clapp.
Your Aunt Janice
February 23rd, 2006 at 8:20 am
Janice,
I’m so sorry forJanice,
I’m so sorry for your family. Brenda and George must be beside themselves. Hopefully they will remain strong and insure he gets the medical attention and emotional support he needs right now. My prayers and the entire Leigh/Hawkins familys are with you at this time.
Matt–
Having been on the dark side myself, and my own attempt in 1997, I hope we get to talk and spend time together. I think I understand better than anyone those feelings and they don’t leave. It’s always a back up plan that people don’t understand. It’s a tightrope walk every day for a while when you’re recovering.
I hope you find your way back to Georgia soon. Above all else, I wish you peace and the love to get through this tough time. We all love you here. Hearing your news was a chip at our souls, and thankfully it wasn’t a whole chunk. The kids adore their uncle Boog, Kathy loves you as a surrogate mom and Doug as a brother. You’re loved more than you know, and that is our fault.
Prayers are with you until we meet again.
Love
Barbi
February 23rd, 2006 at 9:18 am
There’s a race of men thatThere’s a race of men that don’t fit in,
A race that can’t stay still;
So they break the hearts of kith and kin;
And they rome the world at will.
They range the field and they rove the flood,
And they climb the mountain’s crest;
Theirs is the curs of the gypsy blood,
And they don’t know how to rest.
If they just went straight they might go far;
They are strong and brave and true;
But they’re always tired of things that are,
And they want the strange and new.
Love Always!
Your Brother….
February 24th, 2006 at 6:31 am
You gave me this once and itYou gave me this once and it hung in our kitchen. It meant a lot to me. When the Japanese mend broken objects, they aggrandize the damage by filling the cracks with gold. They believe that when something’s suffered damage and has a history it becomes more beautiful. ~Barbara Bloom
Everything will be okay.
February 24th, 2006 at 6:36 am
Matt!!! Man, I never knewMatt!!! Man, I never knew what was going in that head of yours, but there is so much more to life. I know that is such a tired cliche, but it is so true man. You need to get better so we can hang out this summer. Just think of a nice relaxing beautiful beach…sunsets, food, and everyone that loves and cares for you. You are the one person I met in my life that I found so unique and honest about everything. You are definitely your own person that wasn’t bound by any rules. Get away from the daily stresses of life and do what you really want to do. I think you are looking for something more meaningful that will fullfill your soul. You know what it is in your heart, but you have never took that step to reach it. You have done what you had to do to get by in life…wandering around, hoping to find what you were looking for. Don’t give up your life without taking that step forward and giving it your all. There is a place for you to make your mark.
We all love you man.
Howard, Sharon, Hayden, & Annabel
What you are going through reminds me of a song I once heard
Dumonde - Let Me Out
Fear is the shell surrounding us
We look into it’s eyes
Emptiness and silence rule
Only something still lies between us and the material
Again, no thoughts
I dream of a thousand stars in a sphere of glass which illuminates the horizon
Lightening, thunder, a tree burning
A wave of humility washes over my very being
Are we the light?
Or are we only electric impulses trapped in the material?
Uncertainty overwhelmes me
Let me out
Throughout all of our lives we try to diagnose ourselves and wonder why we are here. That gets way to complex…sometimes it’s better to enjoy the simple things. Hope to see you soon my friend.
February 24th, 2006 at 4:40 pm
matt,
i want you to knowmatt,
i want you to know that your not alone.. there are so many people who love and care for you… i am so sick about this… i love you as a sister loves a brother.. thats what you have always been to me… i will pray for you… and i am here for you.. be well, love jennifer.
February 24th, 2006 at 7:36 pm
Matt, There’s always been a special place in my heart for you and I’m so sorry that I didn’t pay more attention and listen closer to what you were really saying. I love you.
your cousin, Karrie
February 27th, 2006 at 11:33 am
In retrospect I think you’ll see that you in fact handed over your life to a higher power, and it was deemed that you’ve yet to serve your purpose here and were given a second chance as one worthy of grace. I hope you cherish it. I am not here to preach to you because you know very well my friend that my belief system at this point in my life doesn’t follow any coherent method or practice nor do I have any answers. It’s a compilation of many things that work well for me. I simply believe in a power greater than myself and try to follow some principal set of ethics and guidelines in which to live my life. I try not to persecute myself or others for making mistakes because we are human and flawed but rather to learn from them as to make better choices in the future. You are a unique and special person to me and many others. I call you my friend and care for you for no reason that is tangible. At some point in time you feel kindred to certain people and it defies explanation. However, my friendship with you has always been reciprocal in nature. I believe I receive as much if not more as I give to it. As an intelligent person you sought answers in an intellectual pursuit having forgotten the primal and subconscious aspects that have shaped us all for thousands of years throughout our evolution. More to it exists than some random mutation possibly causing a mismatched base pair on a strand of DNA. Sometimes what brings comfort is not what you can provide answers to but in having FAITH. In the darkness you found humor to help you endure the complexity and insanity. I believe you act as a support network for those around you in your heart with your extensive knowledge but stopped letting them into where you yourself had begun not to travel. You have always been introspective wearing the mask of an extrovert. I believe at some point you begin to forget who you are and why people love you in your journey. The simple childlike pleasures that amused us all are only a step away. Although responsibility is something that plaques the life of an adult, we all posses the ability to walk outside and enjoy the cool breeze on our face on a sunny day or listen to the waves crash at the beach with our eyes closed remembering those care free moments where there were no problems or lost loves. I remember when we were in college and we endured hours of debate and conversation about the universe as our minds were continuing to search for more, that as we progressed we began to feel more insignificant in the grand design. Those moments put into perspective how truly small our problems are and help us rise above our day to day trials. As you continue your journey I hope you find the answers you seek but in your heart and soul as well as your mind. I saw you comment in one of your blogs, something that we talked about not to long ago. I’ll say it again. It’s easy to remain friends through the good times. It’s only when things get bad that you find out who your real friends are. I will be right here for you when in need and always have been your friend. Lean on me when you have not the strength to stand. Call on me when you have not the will to endure. You are not in this alone.
February 28th, 2006 at 1:38 pm
Does anyone have an update on Matthew? His most recent entry is February 22, and the most recent comment is February 27, neither of which indicate his current condition, health or safety. I certainly hope and pray for his safety and healing… at the risk of waxing clinical, it certainly seems he suffers from depressive episodes with some degree of suicidal ideation. I hope that he gets help immediately…
I corresponded with Matthew a few times about our mutual acquaintance, Dr. Rupert Sheldrake. Matthew was kind enough to post an article of mine that contained experiments designed to explore the existence of morphic behavioral fields, using social insects such as termites and ants as subjects. I considered him a fellow explorer into different realms of reality, and I hope that he will continue his journey.
If any friends or family can post an update on his condition on this site, or email me, I would appreciate the effort. In the meantime, I will hold him in prayer.
March 1st, 2006 at 8:27 am
Why are you loved?
You are loved for EVERYTHING you ARE.
Not because of what you say, what you do, what you are capable of doing, how many languages you can speak, the cool things you have done, your intellect to learn and explore, your gifts and talents. Not because of the books your read. Not because you are brilliant on the computer. Not because you put people at ease when you are around. Not for many reasons.
You are loved JUST BECAUSE.
I am loved for the same reason.
March 3rd, 2006 at 7:52 am
thanks everyone for your comments and support. i’m feeling good and will post something soon.
March 3rd, 2006 at 10:58 am
Matthew, you mean as much to me as my next breath to live. Your smile, humor, intellect, insight, thoughtfulness is irreplaceable to your family and friends that love you and fully accept you where you are. All of us at times hit a dirt road we didn’t intend to travel. The dust kicks up and we loose site of the highway where everyone else seems to be…… I prayed for God to hold you close to him during those dark hours when so much was unknown. I was so scared… but I also knew you belonged to him. Was he finished with you…?…..I thought not. I don’t really consider this a “second chance” even though I’ve said that……you were never meant to leave this world to begin with… You can count on me to pray for you everyday, to be a breath away from any support I can be not only now but forever! We’re going to grow old together and take care of each other in the years ahead no matter where we live. Jeremiah 29:11 says…”For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future”. You may not understand this now but I pray you will catch a glimpse of what life can be like, the life your pa paw lived, walking with the Lord on a daily basis. There is no other like it! I’m not talking about church attendance, tithing, praying the right words, dressing to impress, teaching a class or serving on a board. I’m talking about a real relationship with a very real God who loves you more than your family or friends could ever hope for. Ephesians 3:20 …..”to him that is able to do immeasurably more than all we could ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us….” These are two verses that have meant a lot to me thru the years that I’ve clung to when life didn’t make sense. I’ve felt his arms for strength and seen his footprints when he’s carried me. I pray you feel this in the months and years to come. He is alive, he is real, he will blow your mind with his love and take your breath away with his majesty. He lies between the pages of his love story to us and I pray you devour it. I love you Matthew and am so excited to be able to hang out with you soon. We’re going to have a lot of fun sharing and talkng on Nana’s porch under the stars! I can’t wait!
March 4th, 2006 at 10:52 pm
Matt, I’m so glad you’re feeling better. I look at the responses to you and see so many reaching out to you and that makes me feel good for you. Support everywhere you go, from a religious side, philosophical and just out of love.
I may be out of line here, but knowing you’re alive and beginning the process of accepting life again, or at least trying to fake it for the sake of others, it’s a start. Don’t feel the need to explain yourself. Express yourself and maybe it can be a forum for support in the journey back.
You may be stronger than I was, but it was bleak for me for a long time. I don’t want to reveal too much for public viewing, but your struggles with what you now face may seem even more difficult. We all love you, but faking or jumping back into life before you’re ready will only fester old feelings.
Go at your own pace, find something that brings you peace or joy and relish it. Please don’t feel judged or a need to explain yourself. As you said, the answers are found within the blog so no one expects an explanation.
You’re clearly loved and everyone wants you in all directions to nurture. Our hearts are with you and I’m so sorry for your difficulties, past and present.
Barb
February 18th, 2007 at 1:50 pm
Here we are at almost a year to the day. How are you? Have perspective yet?. Looking forward to your visit.
March 25th, 2007 at 1:30 pm
Back in the saddle bro! Back in the saddle…