Have you ever seen the movie Swimfan? The following is from the Wikipedia entry for stalking: Psychologists tend to group stalkers into two categories: psychotic and nonpsychotic. Many stalkers have pre-existing psychotic disorders such as delusional disorder, schizoaffective disorder, or schizophrenia. Most stalkers are nonpsychotic and exhibit disorders such as major depression, adjustment disorder, or substance dependence, as well as a variety of Axis II personality disorders, such as antisocial, avoidant, borderline, dependent, narcissistic, or paranoid. The nonpsychotic stalkers’ pursuit of victims can be influenced by various psychological factors, including anger and hostility, projection of blame, obsession, dependency, minimization and denial, and jealousy.
In “A Study of Stalkers,” Mullen et al (2000) identify six types of stalkers:
Rejected stalkers: pursue their victims in order to reverse, correct, or avenge a rejection (e.g. divorce, separation, termination). Resentful stalkers: pursue a vendetta because of a sense of grievance against the victims – motivated mainly by the desire to frighten and distress the victim. Intimacy seekers: The intimacy seeker seeks to establish an intimate, loving relationship with their victim. To them, the victim is a long sought-after soul mate, and they were meant to be together. Eroto-manic stalker: This stalker believes that the victim is in love with them. The erotomaniac reinterprets what their victim says and does to support the delusion, and is convinced that the imagined romance will eventually become a permanent union. They often target a celebrity or a person of a higher social status (though it is important to note, not all celebrity stalkers are erotomaniacs). Incompetent suitor: despite poor social/courting skills, possess a sense of entitlement to an intimate relationship with those who have attracted their amorous interest. Predatory stalker: spy on the victim in to prepare and plan an attack – usually sexual – on the victim.
The 2002 National Victim Association Academy define an additional form of stalking. The Terrorism stalker also known as the political stalker, uses stalking as a means to accomplish a political agenda, often by using threats and intimidation to force their target to refrain and/or become involved in some particular activity, regardless of the victim’s consent.
Many stalkers fit categories with paranoid disorders. Intimacy-seeking stalkers often have delusional disorders that are secondary to preexisting psychotic disorders such as schizophrenia. With rejected stalkers, the continual clinging to a relationship of an inadequate or dependent person couples with the entitlement of the narcissistic personality, and the persistent jealousy of the paranoid personality. In contrast, resentful stalkers demonstrate an almost – pure culture of persecution, – with delusional disorders of the paranoid type, paranoid personalities, and paranoid schizophrenia.
Gender Studies in Stalking Pathology
Most stalkers are male, but women can also be stalkers. The demographic characteristics of the male and female stalkers do not differ, although more male stalkers report a history of criminal offenses and more report substance abuse. The psychiatric status of male and female stalkers do not otherwise differ. The duration of the time invested in stalking and the frequency of associated violence were equivalent between male and female stalkers. Women are more likely to target someone they have known such as a professional contact, and are more likely to target other females. Men, on the other hand, do not usually target other men. Women are also much less likely to target a stranger.
In “A Study of Women Who Stalk”, by Purcell, Pathé and Mullen, the authors concluded that the two major psychiatric variables that differentiate female from male stalkers is motivation for stalking and choice of victim. Female stalkers seek intimacy with the victim, who usually is someone already known. The victim is most often chosen from those who assume a professional role of helper. This could be a doctor or nurse, a therapist or counselor. Context was found to differ, but the conclusion was the intrusiveness and harmfulness did not. In other words, female stalkers are potentially as dangerous as any male stalker. A Study of Women Who Stalk. AJP 2001
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I think more studies should be done on female stalkers and the public should be made more aware of this growing epidemic of the female stalker. It is my belief that victims of female stalkers whether they are male or female are in most cases not taken seriously. I am a 38 yr old female and I was a victim of a female stalker for almost a year. Most people have the unfortunate privilege to know who is stalking them; my stalker chose to use some creepy voice disguiser box with the intent of scaring me. Therefore I didn’t know who it was that was behind my harassment. It was like something straight out of CSI or some crime fighting TV show. She would call me all day long, morning, noon and night. This didn’t go on for a day or two this went on for months on end, both at home and at work. I would get my number changed and thanks to her knowing how to do background checks she would find out what my new number was. Pray that you will never know what it feels like to have an anonymous caller with a voice disguiser calling you day in and day out, saying things like “I’ll be waiting for you when you get home,†or “I saw you the other day.†Using words like “Bitch,†or “Slut,†to name a few. The phone company was unable to track her calls, but she was soon caught. We eventually found out that my then boyfriend, son’s mother was behind all of the psychotic phone calls. I never met her; never spoke to her didn’t even know who she was. My ex spoke of her a couple of times, but other than that we never talked about her. Not one time did this woman ever call and harass him with her voice disguiser, all of her anger, hatred and aggression was targeted towards me. They had been apart for two years and he did have other relationships before him and I met, but nothing serious. I guess once she saw that him and I were getting serious she couldn’t take it. Even though, I never met her and never talked to her, I think because we were two females it was easy for her lawyer to present the case as two silly women fighting over a man, in short “baby momma drama†and less like me being the victim of a female stalker. So not only did I have to go through this very traumatic experience with her, but I felt like I was being victimized yet again in court. She would go ballistic to see my boyfriend and I appear in court together. One time in court she came and sat next to us and followed us each time we changed our seats. (We changed our seats three times.) She did this right underneath everybody noses. I had to get the bailiff make her stop following us.
She was the resentful stalker type all the way.
Some people think that female stalkers are just being bullies and that they are not going through mental problems. A lot of women and men sympathize with female stalkers, because they always feel like the man had to be cheating in order for someone to do the things that a female stalker does. How fare is that type of thinking to the victim? Nobody deserves to be harassed by anyone.
I have a stalker, I noticed him a few months ago. He’s really tall and appears at the weirdest of times. I know he is going to kill me one of these days when he feels the right time. Its exciting in the sense of knowing DEATH could be right around the corner. Otherwise, it is a sickening feeling. WHY? WHO? Man it’s nuts as h3ll. I’ve NEVER done anything to anyone to deserve something like this! I havent even told police yet. –Anon
My partner and I have just received another mailing from our female stalker. She charged him with criminal harassment, 3 weeks before the charge was stayed she sent anonymous mailing to me. We have her handwriting forensically proven as her. This started three years ago, and has almost destroyed my partner.
I’m thinking about legal action. There are many other events staged by her, including thugs on our property, and helicopter incursions. That’s right, helicopters on our roof. Anyone go through something like this?
Type your comment here. My fiance was murdered. We were stalked by his ex wife for over 7 months. He was the nicest man you could ever meet. he was 30, I am 29. I can’t think of anyone he ever got into argument with. I KNOW she has something to do with it. The police don’t take me serious because they don’t believe a woman would kill the father of her child. She TOLD me we both would be dead. His name Is Roosevelt Gaither. Its been six weeks. They have not solved his murder. They barely looked at my evidence. She is the rejected stalker. His restraining order was final only days before his murder.
My son, who until recently lived with me, has been the victim of a female stalker for over three years now. She constantly finds ways to make our lives miserable – has him arrested for offences he did not commit, but which the courts choose to believe. Everything SHE does, she then accuses him of doing, saying he is stalking her. It is unbelievable to me and if I didn’t experience it myself (since it is my home she called hundreds of times a day minute after minute) I would hardly believe it myself. I don’t have space here to tell you all of the things she has done or the lengths she has gone to to disrupt his life. He moved out of state finally to avoid her and she had him arrested and extradited back here on more made up charges!We have evidence of her threats and behavior, yet the courts seem to believe her version every time. PLUS she find friends to support her claims (a friend anyway)He made the unfortunate mistake of dating this woman who had three children by 3 fathers, and she got pregnant with the 4th- my son’s child. That is when all this began. The police in her town know her, know she has done the same thing to the other fathers, yet it goes on and on. I wish only I could find someone to help him- help us. This is a nightmare that only another in similar circumstances could understand.
I am experiencing “group stalking” which is also known as “cause stalking” where a group of overzealous vigilantes have targeted me. I am an average citizen and I don’t know what the motive is. It could be slander, jealousy, personality problems, political differences, etc. I’m not sure why I have been targeted by harassment.
I apologize for not writing in a while, you see we have been busy with our stalker. It has been five years, and I feel lucky to be alive.
I have reread all of your comments and must say “we should keep this going”. One of you has lost a love one, and another has a family member that keeps getting charges thrown against him. I have to say ” dont ” give up. Lets support and trust each other in the sense we need to talk about this, without giving too many specifics on this site. For me, I will not give in to the games and sheer madness of the stalkers game.
Recommend reading ” Without Conscience ” by Robert Hare. Psycopaths do not have feelings. They are cold blooded and always planning there next move. I have learned after five years to stay ten steps ahead of this one. I have extensive experience. I wear a voice activated tape recorded on certain occasions, now I will be wearing it daily, as things are revving up again. I carry a video camera, digital, and cell phone with camera. I date and note everything on my phone. The key is to find someone who will listen, a consultation with a lawyer that has experience with stalkers, male and female. Females are the masters at getting to police before you do. Find a cop that will listen, and explain “your side” get a statement and file number. As you gather more “incidents” again go to your cop and make a statement and add it to the file. This is vital, as the female stalker is running a file on you, by counter acting, in a methodical and cohesive manner some authority will listen. Don’t give up, keep doing this until you start hearing what you need to hear. That in fact you may have enough grounds to charge that person with criminal harassment. This gets something on their criminal record, and will help the next victim get the help they need when the stalker strikes at them. If you feel unsafe, you have to move. I mean it, find another home in another neighbourhood, get a PO box, unlist your phone number and only give it to trusted friends. Make sure family members not to give your information to anyone. Change your route to and from work after you move, or if you dont move, alter your route as much as you can. Dont be obvious about your schedules, and be careful of NEW FRIENDS, stalkers enlist patsies to get information. Dont ever react to their efforts, be methodical, dont let them see or hear you reacting, they feed off this. Google stalking and try to find case law, ie for female stalkers who have been convicted of stalking. In the case of a very new murder of a victim, you must hire someone who can prove your case. There are good PI’s that can help, find one and get a lawyer going on it. The only way to help other victims of stalking is for current victims to take a stand. Stalkers are not geniuses, they just have years of experience in their craft. Find out everything you can, discreetly, about your stalker. They may be wanted in another state, and you may be able to help by bringing them to the light. Don’t let them take over anymore, take control, think ahead and dig for information. If anyone one would like to ask me questions or needs help with research please let me know.
For years I have been looking for info that pertained to my husband and I’s case, now here, I have found it. For the last 10 years my husband has suffered the effects of a female stalker. A week or so long fling, resulted in a child, and now what seems to be a lifelong nightmare. Due to the stalking, my husband is divorced from a previous wife. We have suffered immensely, due to this woman. The same things, false charges in court, computer hacking, millions of phone calls, text messages, emails, every form of communication you can imagine, not only to us, but to family, and even to our lawyer, who immediatly resigned from our case. Stating to the Judge and us, I cannot go through what these people have suffered. Our stalker has been diagnosed as mentally ill, takes anti-psychotic meds. We know this because she announced this in court when the Judge asked her what in the world was wrong with her to continue this behavior. I never dreamed that saying you were crazy, gave you the right to stalk and harass someone, but I guess in the state of Florida it does. We no longer are able to see my husbands son, this is a very hard thing to accept,but we put our lives in danger if we pursue seeing him. We have no help from any law enforcement, they say their hands are tied. I had one police officer tell me that if she were a man doing this, she would be under the jail, but because she is a woman he saw no real threat to our safety. In the past five years, I have over 50 police reports, thats it reports. In court, the Judge (same one every time) says just ignore her, since she makes no threats of bodily harm, there is nothing the court can do. She contacts family members, friends, has called and sent faxes to my place of employment. How she found out where I worked is still a mystery to me. I have since been “let go” from that job, with my employer stating this is all too much for the company to deal with. I can’t blame them, she was making anywhere from 10 to 50 phone calls a day to them. Not every day, just when she felt like it. Not always as herself, but using different names, different reasons. Same thing with my husband. We now have our own business, so one good thing did come out of that. It is all so tiring. One thing that no one has mentioned, is the fact that when this happens to you, it makes you wonder if you are crazy, at first. And of course we have also suffered the accusations that we are stalking her, that we have threatened to kill her, and so on. I would like to say that I have always handled this in the best way, but I have not. In the begining,I would respond to her crazy calls and emails, now I know this only encouraged her. I only wish I could always be the type of person who handles it the way law enforcement says, but I am human. I get angry, I have made stupid comments to the police when they tell me there is nothing they can do to make her stop. I am not proud of the things I have said, like it will be hard for her to send emails and make phone calls if I break all of her fingers. I said things like that out of anger, frustration, and fear. But anyone who is going through something like this, please do not say things out of anger,as hard as it is, it only hurts your case. The police officer I said that to, responded with I don’t know why you called me, you are obviously not afraid of her, you can handle it. I guess you have to play up being a helpless scared little thing to get help from the court system or law enforcement. It has been five years of this, I am tired, my husband is tired. For the last year and a 2 months, I can honestly say that we have done everything the courts,law enforcement, and everyone else has told us to do. She gets no response from us no matter what she does. We do not answer her phone calls, emails, or anything, never. About four months ago, we got a phone call from an emergency room doctor, saying my husbands son was in the hospital and we needed to get there right away. Of course we went. The child was not sick, hurt, had no reason to be in the hospital. The emergency room doctor called us at her request, right after he called Childrens Protective Services on her. He thought her mental state was a danger to the child and herself. We had to meet with the CPS worker, who promptly told us there was nothing he could do because she was an adult, and because there was nothing wrong with the child. This happened two more times that weekend, at a total of three different hospitals, with the same result every time. Later that week, she went to Court and filed papers to get us into court again, stating we called CPS on her. The court has actually set a date to hear this. We have no worries about the case, but it is a case of here we go again. I know she will never stop, so does my husband, we have accepted it as a fact, and we protect our lives as much as we can. Our hearts break for the child who has to live with a mentally ill mother, who we cannot see, or even speak to, but there is nothing we can do.
I am trying to find more information about female stalkers. There was or has been, some history of infidelity in my relationship, on his side. The girl he cheated on me with has slowly started trying to look like me, image wise..even how she poses for photo’s. Writing things on her web page about how they are going to be together. I can’t help but think that he is still talking to her, and, even if he is it is still making me very uncomfortable that she is trying to mimic me. I want to scream because i notice it and so do my friends, but he tells me im crazy..and i dont know why people dont notice that this is going on. i feel like im having my identity stolen.
Dear Jessica and Neek,
I am an editor at a major national magazine for young women, and we are working on putting together an article on female stalkers. Both of your experiences sound incredible (and Neek, my condolences–what an awful story–I hope the woman has since been charged with the crime). Would you be willing to speak with me (completely anonymously, if you like!) about your experience dealing with a female stalker? it’s a very important story for us to do, and you could be very helpful. Please respond here, or write to me directly at mstacey@hearst.com. Thank you and God bless!
Michelle
I really cannot believe the system that we have. My stalker is out of state and it makes it very difficult. He has my house address, my ss#. I went to police, filed a report. I know that he has told him psychologist that he is going to find me and stab me over 100 times. He is a loner, no friends, no job, lives in a trailor in the back of his mothers, and has no cares about coming here and killing me. I’m sure he is planning this as I type. Yet, I have called and left a message on the psycologist’s machine, filed a police report, and there is nothing the psychologict can do with all of these flags. God, there should be something they can do to prevent crimes that are going to happen, the flags are there, and unfortunately, I will have to wait till I am killed, mamed, or paralized.
I’m a female stalker who wants to interview me?
Hi, i’m sorry for all of your troubles and losses. My boyfriend has this ex that calls him non-stop every day. She calls his house and cell phones, leaves messages, emails him non stop. She calls a minimum of 50+ times a day. He is a very calm person, but it is starting to get to him. She has been doing this for some time now. It started from back in our country (somewhere in the Caribbean), He moved here (usa) and she followed. We used to joke about it, but he lets me hear her messages and she sounds desperate. It wasn’t a big deal but i’m reading ur stories and i’m thinking, this is how it starts… maybe it wasn’t a big deal to u either but look at what’s happening now. We are planning to move in together and planning to start a family in a few months. A stalker is not something i want to deal with with a baby, doing our degrees,and getting married soon. I think i should nip it in the bud, is there any advice on what to do, who we should see and how i can get her to stop. Thanx in advance and good luck.
come on ladies, stalker included,leave the area, change your name and your partners if he is the one being stalked.
get out of dodge, the only finale is the stalker’s. kapische?
don’t try to figure things out, the only game in town is to drive you
to magnify all the frustration you are feeling, get it? so you look crazy, or the stalker looks like the victim. classic.
make the sacfice , lay low and move fast. Don’t tell anyone, you can leave everything and have movers move it to a storage area, in another state. There is no win, mine has beent trying to destroy my partner for four years, and followed him today, with criminal charges pending against him for stalking her. get it.
I get weird emails about my house burning down, and gun shots then actual gun shots, come on who am I kidding. This person wants all or nothing. Let’s protect our lives, we only have one.
Hey guys, Like just now… I was talking to my BF on the phone. We’ve been apart for a while bcuz of school and stuff. His stalker called during our convo and he didn’t pick up. Then she called my phone…. Scary!!! BUT GET THIS…… SHE THEN TEXT HIM AND SAID SUM STUFF LIKE SHE HOPES WE ARE BACK TOGETHER SOON AND SOME OTHER THINGS WE WERE TALKING ABOUT. Can u say CREEPY!!!!!!!!!!! I think she is Tapping into his line, this is just to much for my comfort. I told him he needs to call his phone company and the cops asap, like no joke… She is Crazy.
I’m looking for some advice. I just moved into an apartment complex a few months ago and have had some strange things happen. Gifts have been left, shoes taken from my door, screens messed with (possibly someone entered my home). I filed a police report and they categorized it as “burglary and stalking”. The police have also been wonderful and periodically check in and come by. It leads me to believe they are on to something. Come to find out, I think it is one of my neighbors in the same building! I have learned this by “spying” back! This person has never opened their blinds and has been spotted “peeking” through a blind or two from time to time. His lights are never on and if they are, they turn off when people are around! All of my neighbors have mentioned they don’t know who lives in this particular apartment, no one has seen him EVER, etc. There are more details that lead me to believe it’s my neighbor, but I will spare those. The police and building management can’t tell you much legally. How can you prove who it is without having video? It’s getting creepy, more things have been occuring lately. All I can do is keep adding to my police report. The building management has given me the option to move into another apartment in another location. Should I move? Should I cut my losses and move? I understand these things can drag on for months, years, decades. I am already loosing sleep and it’s been 2 months! I am scared. You don’t know who these creeps are and what they are capable of! My husband wants to go down, knock on the door, and see who is there. I think that might just be giving him the attention he is looking for??? Again, you don’t know what people are capable of…I am debating whether to have the hassle of recurring events and being frightened, waiting for “proof”, filing more reports, or should I just move….. Or should I not allow this “person” to run my life? Any advice is greatly appreciated!!
I have had a stalker for a year now my wifes brother and he has done alot of things to my family from putting poison in our koi pond to putting sugar in out gas tanks …..he calls every day up to 30 times. he got me fired from my job as well as my wifes. Hes made threats to my children at the bus stop, Hes harassed many of my family and friends and even a process server. He sends threats via email every day, i can sit here all day and tell you hundreds of things this mans done. He even goes to the length to file reports to say i stalk him….. i was told by a police officer that one good thing holds up in court and thats video. I found a infra red camera thats used for deer hunters to take pictures of deer and it doesnt flash to scare game but instead uses infra red leds to flash… i purchased 4 of these cameras and one got an image of him one night cutting my wifes tahoe tires, Hes now being charged with felony stalking. This device saved me alot of stress and worries about my family and they can be purchased at your local sporting goods store for around $200.00 and its the best thing you can hope for in court. Pictures and video will get a stalker put away. Remember to set up the camera on your property where it cant be seen and where they can see in court things that are on your property in the background of the pictures to prove where the pictures where taken.
My Female Stalker.
I cannot believe in this day and time of knowledge and understanding this type of problem is so hard to stop. Judging by the other responses it sounds like others feel the same way. The court didn’t believe me (refused my first attempt to get restraining order), friends and family are skeptable (sure you didn’t sleep with her?, or lead her on?) NO!
I just tried to help someone who asked me in a store if I knew anyone with used equipment for sale. She seemed like family type, dressed nice etc. I said I had some used equipment that she could buy. she asked for my phone number, I was in a hurry (lunch), I gave her my number.
Big Mistake. I only every met this woman one other time where she told me she didn’t want to buy my used gear what she really wanted was to borrow it. She said she was married, with kids, and a boyfriend she was fighting with. She said what she really wanted was for her and I to be friends and lovers.
Needless to say this was a bit much to take in a first meeting.
Two days and 35 voice mails later. I call her once, I was very clear, also stated very nicely and calmly, I am not interested, I have a jealous girlfriend, so we can’t be friends, buddies, or lovers. Nice to meet you but this has to be goodbye. In a few minutes, and a few pleas not to, she finally agreed not to call me anymore.
She kept calling 10 -15 times a day, I had her number blocked, she found where I work, started calling me there. I was angry and told her so. She called right back and started leaving messages. I called the police they told her to stop. Then she started showing up at my job and harassing security. Now she has found my house and is coming by leaving notes in my door.
I finally got a restraining order against her. Now she is contacting friends of mine in clubs that I belong to.
I hope this ends soon, but others in law enforcement don’t believe it will.
This blog helps but there doesn’t seem like there is much I can do, just wait and see what she decides next.
I’ve been watching this post accumulate comments over the past year or so and I’m stunned at your stories. My situation was nothing as serious as what it sounds like you are all living with. I hope you are able to find some peace because it sounds like the legal system cannot deal with this problem very well.
I am a 32 year old married woman with 2 young children and I have a female stalker, that was once disguised as my friend. My family had just moved out of state and I knew no one. She was the first person I met and talked with on a personal level, while volunteering at my son’s school one day. Well from that day on, I haven’t known peace! We exchanged #’s for a playdate and she called an hour after we left the school. She invited herself over to my house and, not knowing what I was getting myself into, I let her come over. She stayed for 2 hours. The next day she showed up uninvited to my house, just feeling free to walk through my gate while my family was in our pool. She wanted to inform me she joined the gym I go to, as well as signing her son up for the same sports classes as mine. The next day I received a letter from her in the mail telling me how she hopes we can be lifelong friends and how she is so glad we met. She was very nice and always offered to help me, so it was hard to be mean to her. She would also show up with gifts for my daughter so it was hard to tell her to leave. The entire summer she would come over unannounced, sometimes just walking into my house without notice! My husband travels for his job and is gone for days at at time, so she would feel free to come over and not leave! If I said I had to go to the grocery store, she would invite herself along. Everywhere I went, she followed! I could not get any time to myself,but she hadn’t done anything so truly appaling that I had to abrupty end the relationship. I was frustrated and annoyed, but am a very kind person and didn’t want to hurt her feelings. She was clearly desperate for a friend! When I got on the PTA Board, she found a position for herself! She had kids the same age as mine so they would play, but it was always an invasion of my privacy. Her kids would run wild through my house and she just wouldn’t leave. If she didn’t drop by unnanounced, she would call numerous times a day. She gets her mind set on getting a hold of me and won’t take a hint. Between home and cell phone, it wasn’t unheard of to have 20-30 missed calls in a day without leaving a message. She eventually ended up crossing boundaries too far by discussing my personal life with another respected member of the community and making up blatent lies! She was caught red handed in a web of lies, yet was dillusional enough to try convincing herself of it. That was my chance to cut off this disturbing friendship! I kept things cordial being that we would have to see each other a school functions, but called her out on all of her lies. After 6 months, figuring most humans would learn their lesson and believing everyone deserves a second chance, I reluctantly decided to have her over one night last week! Well, that was a mistake! Since then, the outrageous # of phone calls have resumed and she began dropping by unnanounced again! She even came over with her family after I told her I wasn’t feeling well and didn’t want company. Also this week, her husband began calling me on my cell phone leading me to believe he has the hots for me. The feelings aren’t mutual! IT’s getting really weird! Since my husband left town yesterday, she keeps coming over uninvited so I don’t answer the door. I physically saw her ring the doorbell repeatedly with her face pressed to my glass door. Very disturbing! I just couldn’t answer for fear it would be a repeat of my very intrusive summer! Because I didn’t answer the door, she began calling another friend of mine hysterically saying that I’m being held hostage in my house. Can’t a person just be busy and want personal space? Held hostage? This woman is completely off her rocker! She also revealed to my other friend that she’s been driving by my house and at one point parking to see the lights in my home. Who does that? Expecting to see her face pressed against my back door and being completely freaked out by thought, my husband finally called her husband telling them to back off. What happens next remains to be seen. I was searching the net for some info on female stalkers and just wanted to reveal my personal story. I’ve never met anyone like this before and am quite sure I never will again. When you have 27 missed calls in one day, several drive by’s, no response to the several attempts to drop by, and numerous text messages, wouldn’t most people take a hint and leave someone alone? This is very strange, very disturbing and slightly scary. Has anyone else ever encountered this? Why me? Really my life is not that exciting to where I can’t be left alone for even a day! What’s wrong with this person? Thanks for any advice……
My partner’s exgirlfriend is his stalker. After they split, she asked whether they could remain friends. I did warn him that there’s no such thing as an ex becoming a friend but he didn’t listen. It started three years ago when she wanted to see him to speak to him. He basically told her that if she wanted to speak they could do so over the phone but then she said she’d come to the farm. The problem became worse when she text him saying she’d found the keys to her gun cabinet. Naturally the police got involved and that’s when everything got worse. Every time she threatened to come to our home, my partner would drive to her place which is one and a half hours drive so that he could placate her. He told her that he had moved on, was with someone else but she wouldn’t listen. The suddenly, out of the blue, one Friday last October she sent him 39 text messages and turned up at our home at 3.30 on the Sunday morning. Since then my partner has received abusive text messages, none of which he has replied to (on the advice of the police). The final straw came when, at the end of December, she wrote a vicious libellous email to the hockey club to which he belongs. At least 15 people read the email. She then bombarded him with abusive text message saying that she was going to ruin his reputation, ensure his New Year is as unpleasant as hers, calling me all kinds of names even though she had only met me once. I went to the police and they warned her at the beginning of January. They told her in no uncertain terms not to get in touch because there was no reason for her to. They only dated. They never lived together, and only saw each other occasionally because of distance. This week it all flared up again. She said she had 10000 leaflets which she was going to distribute about him, claiming it would make interesting reading. But then she also went on to say that all she wanted was an apology. Neither of us knew what we had to apologise for, but we apologised in the hope that it would get her off our backs. The police have now warned her that if she continues a warrant for harrassment will be issued. I know there are male stalkers, but a woman stalking is worse because the police seem to feel sorry for them. Female stalkers can be awfully dangerous. What makes this woman so dangerous is that she’s admitted going for counselling and had it not been for her children she would have committed suicide. The problem is she really believes that my partner is in love with her, that I’m in her way, and that they are meant to be together.
So is it considered stalking when someone looks at a site I have of my 2 yr old (picture, journals, etc…) if they look at it 2-5 a day, EVERYDAY! The person I am being stalked by is my step daughters mother and she has a major jealousy problem. I have changed my password on this private webpage several times and she always seems to get on it! I know this because I have a IP address tracker on the site and her work computer comes up everytime she uploads the page! IS THIS CONSIDERED STALKING AND CAN I GO TO THE POLICE ABOUT PRESSING CHARGES?????
at first i had a major crush on my stalker until i got a peek into who he is.i wish there was peace for the both of us i have known him 12 yrs 5 he spent stalking after calling the police it stopped for 7yrs recently i got a new job and ran into him he’s back at it worse than before.a part of me is in denial.i’m hoping he will just stop on his own without police.i don’t understand how he can be so cruel and enjoy my anxiety yet in his mind he can not let go
I got a stalker as well for many yrs. to but I called the poilce they won’t do anything what’s it take??????????? For people to get killed or take it into there own hands?????????? He thinks he’s in love with me and says sexual things puts me down etc. he has issues I must say but from NJ also I am from the south…………………………. He never met me but keeps saying i’m coming down there I fear for my life !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! This guy was hitting on 16 and 17 year old girls online !
I am wondering if I am in a situation that might be getting dangerous. A new male coworker has pursued me now for over 7 months, following me, spying on my conversations with other people at work. He is relentless and lately it has gotten worse. The freaky thing is that he never says anything, his stalking actions are purely physical. Many times he has gotten close in physical proximity and when I shot him a nasty look he would retreat, only to start over the next day.
Ok, then it got worse. He somehow recruited two other women at my workplace to shadow me so he could know where I am at all times. This is very stressful to me, in the meantime he would continue to follow me. I know he wants a relationship but my actions of avoiding him seem to make him more and more upset. Two months ago I complained to management at my workplace that he stares at me and makes me feel intimidated. Management was not very sympathetic to my case. He is very friendly to everyone, but he has a very disturbed and possibly dangerous side to him. People think he is a really nice guy but I know better. Ever since I complained to management he is trying to intimidate me even more. He will come by my workstation, close, I can literally feel his stabbing looks, he always approaches silently, suddenly and always from behind as to mimic an attack. I don’t know how much longer I can endure this treatment. I have contacted our Security department as well, told them about my complaint and told them that he made me feel threatened. They said that if he sends intimidating looks they would interview the both of us. Well, that’s no good. There is no doubt in my mind this guy will retaliate.
Today he tried to break into my personal life for the first time. He noticed that some of the ladies at work were having a get together after work. He is friends with one of my friends and he quickly invited himself, knowing I would be there. Then my lady friend found out that I had put in a complaint about this guy and she told me that he had invited himself to our party. He was not prepared in this case, did not think I would find out that he was planning to surprise me by being there. After I found out, he avoided me all day, knew I was onto him. I know he will be back, all the other crap sure did not stop him, so I know by now that this won’t either.
This guy will not stop, complaints to management, security surely did not stop it. I doubt that a police report will bring results, other then him showing up at my house and taking his revenge. I feel followed on the street going home after work, I feel watched coming into the parking lot after work. But I can’t prove it, but my instincts are telling me there is danger now.
He has approached me alone in the dark warehouse, head lowered, sending me bone chilling looks.
Any advice out there? I get the feeling he will not stop. Can one file a police report without the perpetrator knowing about it? If he would find out he would be after me, no doubt about it.
I figure if he wants to he can get to me. I am in the mindset right now, that I will fight this until the day I die. If it is going to be tomorrow so be it. He can kill me but he can never kill my spirit.
I have always been a fighter, and this will now be put to the test. I am willing to go to any lengths to protect myself and I am tired of being the prey. How can I achieve that, anyone?
Aisha
I just want to thank all of you for sharing your stories. I’ve been stalked by my old best friends wife, him, his daughter, her boyfriend and his family for 3 years now. Because after 10 years of watching her abuse her kids, (as Dr. Keith Ablow says, take what you see in public and times it by at least 10, that’s what’s going on in private; in public, they see nothing wrong with their behavior). 2 years ago, a girl at a salon called the police on my girlfriend while she was buying shampoo, thinking that a pregnancy test in a baggy was a large quantity of pot. So, we went back to take the stuff back and the girl had her meatball, roid raging boyfriend there. I beat the crap out of him, as he snapped for basically no reason, other than to show off. I got charged, but only got a slap on the wrist. However, my stalker was cyberstalking, mainly, “trolling the internet.” This is when someone is constantly doing searches on you and when given the chance, invades your life. Well, now we have a great recipe; The minute this assault charge, (I’m a Shaolin Black Belt, I closed the guys eye with a simple jab, had he not been the aggressor, it could’ve been a felony instead of a ticket summons), the stalkers husband went down to the police station, as the information wasn’t on the internet site, found out all the information, went to the salon and found a “great” new buddy; someone more than willing to play the game with them; another psychologically challenged women, with a beat up boyfriend. So, now they’re stalking me also. It’s like reading all of your postings; they spammed me, sent junk mail, pornography, sent letters when they went to visit children taken away from them, living in another state, (kinda hard to say you didn’t send the custom made Christmas card when the company that made it is right down the road from the family in the other state), still, circumstantial. She’s a narcissistic, revenge stalker; she has the “mommy” syndrome; all she talks about is how good of a mother she is, who calls her a bad mother, who she thinks is a good or bad mother, etc. Calling children’s services was in her words, a “terrorist attack.” So, I ignored the junk for months, first calling an atty. Then, calling the police, only to finally get the trace on the e-mails they were sending when the police decided I was a waste of their time, which of course, gave them a green light. So, I tried a technique that usually works with a paranoid; let her know about all the skeletons she had in the closet, being a fugitive, like her mother. However, she did what stalkers in her position do; make buddies with a cop that will play ball with them. They tried to prosecute me for spamming and calling them! The cop, who works in a little suburb in which they have no real authority, all cases are charged first, ask questions later, to protect the city from litigation. (This came out when I was a juror in a case from the same place; same thing, thank God the guy was found not guilty). So, I’ve been taking them apart, piece by piece; they’re pathological liars, their police statements to an objective juror are insanity, but the mob mentality of them and the cop got the judge to try the case, only to be found not guilty, which made things worse because they didn’t get their “revenge.” This week, I exposed their dishonesty by calling the FTC and letting them know about all the alias’ they use; they’re all gone from public records now, but I’ve documented it all. They also tried to say I stalked some friend of mine, just because we had a short falling out, they thought we’d never talk again. They put on a police report that I tipped his bike over and slashed the seat; never happened and he will testify. I really hope this works; it is embarrassing being a man and being stalked, no one listening and like one of the mothers who commented earlier here about her son, if she didn’t see it herself, she wouldn’t believe it either. That’s the whole point in their strategy, it’s straight out of the Anarchist cookbook. Do things so irrational, immature and stupied that when they’re questioned, they put their good foot forward and make you look crazy. If it didn’t work everytime, it wouldn’t be in the Anarchist cookbook. Again, thanks to everyone.
Well, there is definetely a common denominator in all of our stalking stories here. Some stalkers are definetely more vicious than others but all of them are very adapt in convincing other people that they are the normal, nice ones and that their victims are the ones that are crazy.
Happened to me. I turned my stalker at my workplace in the other day. He went into a rage and quit. Ever since everyone thinks that I am the crazy one and doesn’t believe that he could have done it, ( especially as no one “has seen it”. He was very clever, following me when no one was around. Of course everyone thinks now that I only thought he was following, that he was just too nice to do this.)
I know better. I saw the monster in him and he had everyone around him lulled into believing that he is actually a nice person. Most devious and cunning person that I have ever layed eyes on, that’s for sure.
Aisha
So is it considered stalking when someone looks at a site I have of my 2 yr old (picture, journals, etc…) if they look at it 2-5 a day, EVERYDAY! The person I am being stalked by is my step daughters mother and she has a major jealousy problem. I have changed my password on this private webpage several times and she always seems to get on it! I know this because I have a IP address tracker on the site and her work computer comes up everytime she uploads the page! IS THIS CONSIDERED STALKING AND CAN I GO TO THE POLICE ABOUT PRESSING CHARGES?????
To Nedd help, (sorry if you spelled wrong or purposefully did). If she’s getting into a private account, not public, that’s a law enforcement issue, FEDERAL! If public, like a public, not private set myspace acct. they can look at it all day long. As far as your password, you need to get your computer checked for what’s known as a module, which is like spyware, but often not picked up by spyware programs. These are installed the same way; usually through an e-mail, picture, or, as you say in your case, she’s the mom and could have access, she could’ve gotten on while you were there, firing off the e-mail from her account from say a phone and planting it. Open your task manager (Ctrl+Shift+Esc or Del) and look for any suspicious programs, especailly if they say keylogger. These track your keystrokes, enabling password detection. Also invest in a good firewall, I use Webroot: it shows all incoming and outgoing traffic, since you have an IP tracker, I’m sure your well up to speed on this. If you have a positive IP address, you have a good case, however, just like a gun at a murder, you have to put the gun in their hand. Good luck, I hope you get the nut job! :)
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My husband had an affair. She was divorced 20 years ago, no children, sisters live in other cities, Kenora and Thunder Bay, parents are dead, no real close friends so I’m told,, a housekeeper, so not very bright, real “slutty” has had other relationships with married men. Sadly, does not practice safe sex. He knew her vaguely through previous employment, he used to work at the same health centre and she made it clear she was available anytime , anywhere. He was experiencing all the ” mid-life crisis” factors and took her up on her offer while I was out of town on volunteer work and now deeply regrets his decision to get involved with her. He did not think of consequences, he enjoyed the “hero worshipping” and escape from reality at first, then it became living hell… Thankfully, the relationship ended 3.5 years ago. We were helped professional by a therapist and he says he is bissfully happy. There were a lot of “demons” to address and we worked very hard to repair the damage suffered by ourseleves and our boys. Some of his bad decisions during the affair will affect us forever… it was a defining moment that affected health, direction in life and employment, relationships with friends and family, it isn’t easy but, we love each other madly, and we renewed our marriage vows 2 years ago. We celebrated our 25th wedding Anniversary last month with a wonderful trip and we have moved on…sadly, she has not and still trolls for him, driving by our house, leaves silly messages , true love lipstick wands at his parked car and the like. When she was dangerous, shortly after the affair ended, she shaved the car heater extension cord wires bare while we were away. Thankfully, our youngest son was not hurt, he used my husband’s car and could have been shocked badly. We made out a police report on our return. Our son took pictures which we still have on hand. We’ve numerous times let the police know she has been at our door and she has been warned to leave us alone by them. Our therapist says ,just ignore her….she obviously has mental problems and a normal person would have stopped pursuing him ages ago…. How long should we expect this behaviour to continue? It no longer bugs me or him as much as it used to … Is there an average # of years to expect? Just curioius. Thanks.
Lorna, sadly, not to be a chauvanist, but women are like sharks; unless someone else sweeps them off their feet, (no guarantee), they never give up from what I’ve researched. Even if it’s just a couple pieces of junk mail in an obvious ficticious name every couple of months. Sounds just like the nut job I have stalking me; OCD, with no job and all the time in the world to just dwell on what they want to do, it will probably never end. Also, the therapist, (I go to one, have PTSD and ADD) telling you to ignore it? THAT’S THE WORST RUB OF ALL! TELL THEM i SAID SO TOO! No one likes to lose, and as long as they’re getting away with their childish behavior, you know they feel like they’re winning and it can drive you nuts. YOU KNOW YOU’RE RIGHT, IT’S HUMAN NATURE, YOU WANT TO WIN! Nothing wrong with that at all. Just remember this; they have stalkers all the time and get a “cut to the front of the line pass.” It’s easy to say, “just ignore it,” when all they have to do is call the cops and they get total cooperation. If I was in your shoes, I’d wait it out untill I caught them and had a picture. However driving by your house isn’t illegal unless you have protection order. Basically, don’t let them know it bothers you. Anyway, I’ll chat later, gotta hit the hay, I can barely type. Take care! And keep your chin up! Michael
A few months ago, I was the victim of female cyberstalkers. I was friends with my stalkers, and when I revealed what was going on in my personal life they were so convinced that I was lying. (I have medical bills and medical info to prove that my mom has MS_they thought that I was making that up-I have medical info and psychological info to prove that I have ADD and dyscalculia-I have those, too. They thought that I was making up my now-ex-bf, who is real-I’m not making that up.)
We had met on ravelry, met face to face, and formed a knitting club. Things awere going great until this happened. The whole stalking thing began over a misunderstanding. I was told by a real-life friend who I trust that I was being stalked by the “friends.” The “friends” had followed me around ravelry, gathering up infor about me, they had followed my blog and started leaving very mean and nasty comments, and they were even following me on myspace (I have since deleted the account after someone claimed that I was stealing her boyufriend who had the same name, but a different last name-and that wasn’t true. She even threatened to sue me, and that’s when I deleted it.) After things had wound down, and I started speaking up about what I was going through, knowing that there may have been other people going through what I went through-things got worse. They started leaving me unmarked pm’s that wound up saying very nasty things. I went to the owners of ravelry, and told them what was going on. This was after one of them had threatened to turn me in the owners for lying-which you can’t do. (I looked into it.)
The second I turned one of them into the owners of the site, I decided that I needed to look up my state’s cyberstalking laws (the state of Michigan-my homestate-doesn’t have any cyberstalking laws on the books) and stalking laws (they most likely would have been charged with that, if I had hard evidence-which I didn’t).
I felt like I was losing my mind. I also have depression, and the whole stalking thing wasn’t good for my mood. It got to a point where I was so scared to even leave my house, for fear that my stalkers were going to find me. I couldn’t even funtion. I couldn’t even get out of bed. Now, I know that I’m not alone.
Two months ago, another one of the “friends” started stalking me, using the same tactics. This time, she was following me around ravelry, and then deleting her posts. Lots of people on there were concerned. They would see my post, and then make a post of their own, and then delete it. That time, I was ready to print out the pm’s (my biggest regret is deleting them, and not printing them out, so that I could have the evidence of what was going on if I needed to go to the cops) so that I could have proof for the cops. At that point, I was so ready to go to the cops. I was starting to get better, and when it was happening again, I got worse. I was cutting (I’m a recovering cutter) more over those months, than I have done than ever before. I realize why I did cut-I was overwhelmed, and I needed a way of controlling what was happening. My parents kept telling me that it was getting to the point where I needed to go the cops.
Now, that I’m much better mentally and emotionally, I can see how any stalking case or any stalking incident can turn someone’s life completely upside down. I know that my incident turned my whole life and worldview upside down. My trust in people has been completely shattered. I do get angry and upset on some days, but I know that I’m allowed to feel that way right now, if that’s how I feel. I know that I take that out on people who don’t deserve it, even friends, family, and the people that I meet over the Internet. I know that they don’t deserve it, and I do realize that I’m just taking my anger and frustration out on people who are a safe target. But I don’t apologize for that. I look back on the post and think “okay, kid, you were just having a bad day. Don’t apologize, and just move on.” But now, the good days are outnumbering the bad. Time does heal all wounds, trust me. I don’t think I’d be sitting here, telling my story without being on the road to healing.
Stalking is a form of mental assult and emotional assult. It’s not something that you can ignore. And, you can and do feel helpless. I know I was feeling completely helpless. Now that I’m getting stronger and stronger every day, I have a renewed sense of confidence. I’m doing things that I never thought that I would be doing.
Got one he can’t take a hint & says why are you ignoreing me ? sending gifts etc……… thinks were dating but I moved & changed my # but he still stalks me online. Most stalkers are so damn stupid really physcos most are not bright I give 5 % & 95 % are stupid on this planet. But sometimes you canignore online stalking they go aaway 90 % of the time in real life no you must have pepper spray or something on you and a cell to call police. When my stalker said he was coming here 2 yrs. ago my ex who was becoming a cop told him I dare you and see what happens he never came because my ex meant prison…… prison scares some the term of it they run call fbi or do what you must to be safe.
When I told the police about mine they said bring my mom in even thoughi’m adult in the state this guy lives in you have to have a parent even as an adult so it makes me mad.
I am a former stalker and I have been diagnosed with a severe mental illness, I think most stalkers are suffering from a depressive episode because they have this idea of a fantasy partner who they are perfect for and who is perfect for them, they have this fixed delusion about them they sort of know its never going to work out for them which makes them more and more depressed and they try to do things to relieve the depression. Not all stalkers fit that description I know but in my case I was/am mentally ill, I have had a number of full blown psychotic episodes requiring hospitalisation and am now on anti-psychotic medication.
i have talk to a women who sound like a stalker , i tried to convinced her that the man is not interested , and other have told her the same. she does not listen..
the best thung is for the harsed man to tell her in the most blatent way and word possibale he i not interested and REALY dont wont any thing to do with her ever.
subtelty and gentel tretment are the worst ways to handel , they have selective hearing , they can’t reasong or understand.
and they will not turn (or notice) if a man (or women) try to make a pass on them , they have eye ears mind hart est only for one obssest.
I’m a 49 year old woman being stalked by an ex female friend who was a bf for over 30 years. It’s a bizarre scenario and has been going on for nearly 3 years now. The whole thing snuck up on me and before I knew it I was in trouble. I figured out after the fact what must have triggered what would soon lead to me fighting for my life. This woman had been single her whole life and had basically slept with many men over the years. She pretty much alienated herself from all of the women at work because she slept with all of their husbands. Anyway, the long and the short of it is that she lead a very colourful life. I knew she had been involved in some criminal activities, and I even knew she had stalked several of her ex-male partners, but I really wasn’t all that close to her during those years and basically kept my distance as much as I could. But her behaviour was quite scary at times and I wondered about her mental condition. Anyway, finally at the age of 39 she managed to get pregnant from one of her affairs and had a little boy. Since she was a single mom with very few friends I was there for her when the baby was born and was there for her for many years to come. At first she was a doting mother but as the boy got older she became less patient and was at times cruel to him. On a trip that we took one time, she was violent towards him. She scared him so badly that he clung to me for the rest of the trip and I became scared of her as well. After we returned home I witness this a few more times until one day she called me at work panic stricken because the boy’s teacher had contacted her and wanted to discuss her disciplinary style. That weekend I brought it up and begged her to get help for her violent temper. I asked her what her and the teacher had discussed. She looked at me blank faced and said she had no idea what I was talking about. Well that was it. That was the moment I became the target. After that I became aware that she was spreading rumours amongst her family and friends that I was having affairs with her ex boyfriend and ex husband and there were a few more ludicrous lies that she was spreading. I was stunned when I heard this and asked her about it. She gave me that same cold stare and said well I just told “them” that “we” are just like that. I was again stunned and wondered when I got grouped in with this “we” thing. Anyway, shortly after that I was invited to the family cottage for a bbq. That night it was only going to be 3 of us in attendance but when I arrived there were 5 other adults. One of them was one of my supposed lovers whom I had previously been friends with. He was oddly silent and would not look at me. No one else was very friendly or talkative towards me either and I started getting a knot in my stomach. The kind of knot that tell you to run like hell. I had left my drink sitting out for a time and before I knew it I was feeling really woozie and strange and I knew they had drugged me. I was sitting on a step and was literally trapped there for hours. I could not move. The rest of the night unfolded like a nightmare. I was thrown into a chair and had drinks thrown in my face. I was repeatedly kicked in the back and knocked on the ground. I kept waking up on the ground. I was screamed and yelled at and threatened. I was taken into the cottage where my so called best friend proceeded to beat me within an inch of my life. She ripped off my shirt and they all stood around mocking me saying” how are you gonna get away now without your shirt”….As you can imagine I was frightened beyond belief and I would take a couple of steps and fall down. All the while desparately fighting not to pass out. I knew my only hope of escape was to get to the river and swim across. I prayed to make it to the treed area as I thought I could hide for a moment to catch my breath. When I got there I pass out again but I woke up with a start and something was saying in my ear go now! So I said please God make me fall into the water cuz I’ll be too scared to go in myself. I fell into the water and started to swim. I didn’t turn around until I was a good 20 feet out and there on the shore was the 5 of them. Laughing and taunting me. “Nice night for a swim eh?”…. To this day I still wonder how I made it across that night. All I know is if it weren’t for the grace of God I wouldn’t have. When I finally made it to the other side I ran to the road and flagged down a car who called the police for me. They picked me up and I was telling them quite the deranged hyterical tale and as you can imagine they didn’t believe a word of it. They wanted to bring me to the hospital but all I cared about was going back there to get my dog. So that’s what we did. When we got there the police tried to get me to get out and “make up” with my “friend”…
I was so traumatized after this incident that I couldn’t leave the house for weeks. I was in terrible shape physically as well I had cracked ribs and elbows, severe hemotomas all over me. And that’s when my best friend started sending me text message after text message, emails phone calls. All of them accusing me of different things. She accused me of attacking everyone at the party, then it changed to just the children, then it was something else and something else. She insisted that I simply went for a swim and they had no idea why. They all lied to the police. She has continued to stalk me to this day and I never responded to her ridiculous messages until recently as I couldn’t take it anymore. But I’m sure it will only escalate now as she is truly deranged. She has her entire family in on this. She has harrassed my husband and children as well. She is a true psychopath.
So beware all you innocents out there, if you have a friend of questionable sanity, be very very careful when giving advice. It may lead to your demise.
I feel like I fought for my life that night and survived but I’m still fighting to survive this demented psycho. When will it ever end.
If you are reading this chances are that your stalker is in control at the moment. I have been there. I was stalked for 12 months by a demented and sick – and married – man. I offer you the top ten things I learnt. I hope you find them useful.
First, start developing a profound relationship with the truth that the fantasy your stalker thinks he has with you, exists in his mind not yours. Who you are, where you are from, what you said to him or how you have behaved towards him are immaterial. It is his sick world. Don’t participate in it.
Second, you do not have victim tattooed on your forehead. You did not choose to be stalked. He, in the words of a great friend of mind, “is a blimm’n mentalist”.
Third, prepare for the fact that you may never understand why your stalker targeted you. He may not know. Don’t spend the time I spent trying to understand the pathology. I wasted days and nights trying to understand and empathize with my stalker. I should have just stuck to my personal safety plan, and dug in for the long-haul. I spent endless hours trying to second-guess my stalker. It was stressful and ultimately a waste of time.
Fourth get a safety plan. At the highest level mine was simple. I told my entire community that I was being stalked, and that I needed their help. Sunlight, as they say, is the best disinfectant. I made the decision to tell people as my close family live in other cities, and because my stalker was trained in human intelligence gathering. But as good as my stalker thought he was at intell, he got me completely wrong. He profiled me as a victim, instead of as a survivor. Surviving a stalker is all about survival of the fittest. Like I said, you have to dig in for the long haul. You have to record every incident, keep every email, every text message and every gift.
Fifth, I am happy to send anyone who wants it a copy of my safety plan, as well as the incident log. I developed a safety plan for my apartment and my work. I changed the plan several times as his behavior escalated.
Sixth, with stalkers, only tactical responses work, not empathy or understanding. Get with this truth very quickly. It will keep you safe. My network helped me keep safe. They kept a close eye my stalker, and his mental health. On reflection my stalker had major mental health issues. Bi-polar I think. When he was manic he was hyper sexual (which explains all the extra-martial affairs). When he was depressed he was needy (which also explains all the extra-martial affairs, but possible the compulsive obsessive behavior). This is not an excuse by the way. Millions of people have bi-polar and don’t stalk.
Seventh, stalkers are not healthy people. I told my stalker to leave me alone 30 times. In hindsight my stalker got off on my no-contact responses. I tried to reason with him, and encourage him to focus on his marriage and children. On reflection that fed his fantasy. Don’t try and reason with a stalker. It makes them feel like they are in control.
Eight, you have to be strong over a long period. Stalking is not criminal until a trend appears. I evidenced the criminal nature of his stalking only after I had lodged 12 months of behavior. One off incidents don’t matter. It is the pattern that emerges that speaks to the intentional terrorizing – and it is intentional, and mine was terrifying. You must start a log of his behavior as soon as your instincts tell you that his behavior is not okay. I got friends and family to help too. Remember you are in a battle of attrition. He must not know you are scared, or that he scares you.
Nine, notice the little things. In hindsight my stalker started by collecting information on me through professional networks. Then I am pretty sure he used government systems to gather official information about me. Then when I was sick with swine flu, being tested for breast cancer and dealing a sick father, he struck. Using his uniform he pretended to offer help, when in fact what he was doing was preying on me. His behavior then became persistent; lots of gifts and emails. Then it became co-incidental; being at places I was, and somehow always knowing when I was getting on and off planes. Then it became threatening; death notices etc. Then he started to lurk. My experience was that his stalking evolved. I regret not nipping it in the bud earlier. I also wish I had noticed the escalation points.
Finally your stalker wants you to think about him/her all time. Mine did this by trying to control my sense of personal safety. He tried to keep me constantly guessing where his next threat would come from. To protect myself I decided to tell everyone what was going on for me. I refused to keep his stalking a secret. My family and friends (and friends of friends) and fellow apartment dwellers rallied for me. By refusing to keep his behavior a secret, my stalker could not hurt, overwhelm or isolate me. He could not commit me to his bad mad and sad fantasy world.
ps … as it turns out, friends of friends of friends, who heard about my stalker’s behavior told an investigative journalist who specializes in bad mad and sad men. The investigative journalist found me. He shared with me that my stalker had stalked others. Then one of the other victims went public (she is my hero). The stalker has been humiliated publically. If you goggle him there are over 28 stories about him and his behavior.
Like I said, sunlight is the best disinfectant ……
Hope this helps someone.
My stalker is my Landlord. When we first met there was instant attraction.. And when I finally moved in the apartment he asked me if I wanted to meet him at a restaurant for dinner. Sad to say I did meet him for dinner, and before I left we hugged. It didnt go any further than a physical hug.
Too make a long story short. When I got home we talked over the phone and he was being rude.. So I politely told him that it would be best that we just keep it on a business level.. He agreed.
Two months go by.. I come home from work, and theres SLASH MARKS on my wall in the livingroom… I filed a police report about the marks,, And told him (THE LANDLORD) to come over to view the marks… HE was smiling and 10 minutes later he busted out laughing..
Him and I are the only ones that have a key… So once a month he would come and put more slash marks on differents walls. But now he is coming in every other day putting marks on the walls… I asked the neighbor across the street does he see anyone coming into my palce, he said “NO”…
Come to find out. Their cousins……
I am looking for another place to stay. that accepts cats. I have one.
A week ago Iwalked into my place and my glass vase was broken…
Of course he denies its him breaking my glass, stoled my bracelet, and slashing up my walls..
I feels its escalating and soon those slash marks he make on the walls will be me..
We argued over the phone for a whole week after i made the police report, he was soo parinoid. Then he called the police while I was home behind my back and said That I asked him to call the police..
The police he called basically laughed at me.. Come to find out, he know them too.. He have alot of connection..
I am soo hurt because I really did like him, but he was rude over the phone with me after the date, and now I’m being punished for respecting myself and keeping my morals..
I cant sleep, I havent been home (to sleep) in 2 months now. Just staying at family house. And I’m still paying him rent.. !!!
I’m am soo spiritually and mentally drained now.. I’m tired.. What does he want? And why wont he tell me? Why is he showing all his anger on my walls instead of being a man to call me… ??
What did I do… All he had to do after being rude to me ova tha phone was be a man. CALL ME and we could have talked about it..
BUT NOO!! Now as soon as I find another place to stay.. I will have to wake up at 5 am. Immediately PAck my Things and be out before 11am. Before his cousin across the street and Some other people he know in that neighborhood WAKES UP!!!! then they would call him.
I just pray he don’t follow or track me down when I move… I want OUT!!!!!