I Died On the Operating Table Last Night

I was being wheeled into the operating room. The hospital staff were running along side the gurney. I had sustained a massive injury to my head and I was unconscious, probably in a coma. Somehow I was still hyperaware of everything that was going on around me and I knew that I could heal myself at any time, get up, and walk out of the hospital. For some reason I decided not to.

The doctors seemed confused and weren’t sure how to help me. Despite all the running around and general pandemonium, I died on the operating table. I floated above myself and saw that the top of my skull had been sawed off leaving my brain exposed. The doctors didn’t try any heroics to try to save me. They seemed shocked that I had lived at all.

My family arrived at the hospital. My Mom knew that I could heal myself if I wanted to come back to life. She also knew that I could hear what she was saying. She told me to wake up but I decided not to. My body was wheeled down to the morgue for an autopsy. Just before the autopsy was about to begin, the pathologist left the room. I got up and walked out of the room. I was ‘officially’ dead even though my body was missing. This was a way for me to start over; go out into the world; to rebuild my identity. I knew that this time I would do things differently. I wanted to lead a simple life and do simple things.

I can’t remember the events that directly led up to the injury. The last thing I remember was sitting in a conference room with people I’ve worked with in the past. The best of the people I’ve worked with. I saw them as if I was looking through someone else’s eyes. It was a strange experience. Maybe it was not even real and was only a hallucination. A dream within a dream.

The dream is almost exactly like an episode of Heroes. The cheerleader dies and gets up from the autopsy table when the doctor removes a tree branch from her brain. In another episode, the cheerleader’s head is sawed off by the bad guy. He was extracting powers from her brain. In both cases she could not be killed because she had this amazing ability to heal. I’m thinking that would be a good super power to have.  This dream was mostly about the cheerleader and my family.

“Save the cheerleader, save the world.”

2 comments On I Died On the Operating Table Last Night

  • Ha! Good one Matt and again it is very personal. Although at the end you seem to want to escape from really analyzing the significance. There are a couple of interesting points that I can see. Firstly, it is consistent with a lot of your other material on the nautis project, in the sense that there is a “fracture” between what seems like two Matthews. There is one Matthew that is the deeply intuitive one that delves into mystic depths and seeks meaning, and the other is the sensuously grounded Matthew that seeks exhiliration. Together they form a Janus-faced Matthew. It’s not clear that the two Matthews communicate a lot either, and so we have it in the dream where there is really two Matthews, but in this case one is now a corpse with his skull cut open for everyone see what’s really inside, and the other is the mystical Matthew that is floating above the one that is mere flesh. The second interesting point is that you express the wish to start over, without the burden of that mere corporeal form. You also express the desire to do things differently than before. But it is not at all clear why the body has to die in order for you to start again. And of course this significant because you have direct experience with starting again. I mean why isn’t there a bridge between the two selves (a presence of the past if you will)? The last interesting part is that after you start over, you are with a group of people that you have worked with in the past. The best people that you have worked with. And, you were looking at them in a different way “through someone else’s eyes”. Presumably, because you say that they were “the best” you view of them continues to be positive. But I wonder how they saw you?

  • ….your view of them…

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