Slip Into a Former Dreamland

Random Awesome

I woke up this morning in a new place and found myself looking out the window into a new city and wondering how I arrived here. It was nine months ago that I died and it is somehow appropriate that it is now, nine months later, that I am born again. All of those past impossibilities that seemed so distant have found their way back into my life. The scale is much smaller, more manageable, and I wonder whether any sort of greatness lay ahead. I would not want to use my past as an excuse for my future.

Where else will my dreams lead me? A new dream? An old dream? I wouldn’t be very happy given a second chance to just slip into a former dreamland where all life is as it was – all future impossibly dark and distant. Ambivalence, like a heavy fog, is lifting and revealing a more mundane world where the saturation is turned down, the hues are not as bright, the octaves not so high, and the flowers smell not as sweet. If this is the price of freedom then I think I’ll pay it. I am only now realizing that those late night scribbling fits – when I would rant until dawn – are left to my imagination. I can only half wish for that sort of manic insight that can only come from an amped up brain.

Perhaps the hues were never that bright; maybe the flowers were never so sweet. Perhaps it was only imagination that created that reality. Whatever it was I wish I had more of it … but it is not to be.


  1. In dreaming, we must distinguish the one who dreams and the dreamed ‘I’. It is possible to speak of a flickering fire that illuminates the dream that allows a “clearing” in the night, this light is not for the dreamer, but rather for the dreamed ‘I’. The sleeper, or the sleeping ‘I’, is also the dreaming ‘I’, who is not the ‘I’ of the dream world who is awake and sees in the dreams. While the dreaming ‘I’ sleeps, the dreamed ‘I’ of the dream world finds itself in a condition of wakefulness. The relationship of the sleeping ‘I’ to the dreamed ‘I’ , is comparable to the recollecting ‘I’ to the recollected ‘I’. The recollector is not the subject of the recollected world.

    >Ambivalence, like a heavy fog, is
    >lifting and revealing a more mundane
    >world where the saturation is turned >down, the hues are not as bright, the
    >octaves not so high, and the flowers
    >smell not as sweet.

    It will come back Matt. My life is much different than it was even 5 years ago, I basically don’t have access to the magical phantasmagoria that I once had access to. But on the other side of that same coin I have an access to the sober clarity of logic that I did not have access to then, moreover, I have access to the everyday world now, and that provides me with an insight on the 90 percent of the people that I had at one time cut from my experience. I can always go back to my fantasy. >Perhaps the hues were never that >bright; maybe the flowers were never so >sweet. Perhaps it was only imagination Well, I’m not sure it matters as long as you focus on your experience right now. P-A-R-T-I-C-I-P-A-T-E-! (no watching the wheels go round, no just having fun) take the risk, take the reward.

  2. Matthew,

    I have been reading your web page for about nine months. I want to tell you I am very happy you have become “reborn”. I enjoy reading about you and your thoughts. You seem like such a wonderful man. So smart you are! I believe the flowers are only sweet and the hues are only bright when we are young. The smells and colors still come to us; but now they come in small bursts. We need to be able to recognize and appreciate them when they come.

    “I would not want to use my past as an excuse for my future.” I was glad to read that Matthew. Always remember your past and remember how you got to the brink of death, so you don’t make those mistakes again. Stay close to your family, no matter how crazy they may seem. They are family; they love you and want to help you become the best man you can be.

    Good Luck to you! May God be with you and help direct your path.


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